In Violon, the tiny sister cafe to Lion, an order of coffee presents you with a choice. Will you have it with a little bit of milk or brandy? The brandy comes in an elegant bottle with a long, curved neck. Like something you’d use for sesame oil or balsamic vinegar. If you select it, the server shakes a few drops into your coffee before handing it to you. It is a beautiful gesture, a melodic process. It feels like someone jotting down a musical phrase and handing you that folded piece of sheet music. It’s hard to say no to. But today I do.
Hidden in a cosy booth, I feel the gentle weight of life tasks piled up. A nudging against my back. Initially overwhelming, now curiously comforting.
I have allowed myself to be defined by trauma for too long. The future has beckoned and now I can no longer turn away from the present.
What am I doing now ? How am I feeling now ?
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Russell and Adler both say - the secret to happiness is simple. It is to be of use to others, or rather, to feel of use to others. It is taking a step outside yourself.
I know what it is like to be happy. Morever, I know what it is like to be happy this way . To live outside myself.
My trauma necessitated a time of retreat. Of rebuilding. Of fortification of the self. I invited someone in and he started trashing everything. In the process of evicting him and putting everything back in its right place, I became agoraphobic.
Now its time to step outside again. To invite people over again. The tables are set. It could be tidier but its not so bad. It’s time to have a party.