It’s hard to fully express what this year has meant to me. After spending almost a decade being kept at a tolerable level of permanent unhappiness, being constantly told that my needs and desires were irrelevant, that I was an extension of someone else, someone more important, I had to claw my way back to who I was. Who I am today.
It’s been a long journey home. I’m sure it must have seemed like a grand, cavalier adventure from the outside but it was hard, confusing, painful and full of missteps. There was a massive new cast of odd characters. Some of them tried to trap me again, some of them overwhelmed me, some of them had nothing left to give. Some of them brought me an incredible amount of joy, some of them a shocking amount of pain. All of them taught me something. I am alive. I have feelings, thoughts, beliefs. I have choices .
While me and my ex were still on speaking terms, he told me that he didn’t think my ‘stupid, half-baked plan of moving to Japan’ would ever come to pass. An amazing new friend, on his own journey, rode with me. He steered me through the pain, the grief, the mania, the desperation, the frenzy. He assured me I could still be cared for. I could still be loved. In autumn, a beautiful pianist bought me a cream puff, stuck a comically tall flower in my backpack and told me that he wanted me to be happy, fulfilled and doing things I love all the time.
I made my first choice. This choice has led me here.
I’ve wanted to see Dr Yellow for years now and never taken any steps towards actually achieving this. I just believed that one day, it would happen. I thought that if I planned to see him, it would be cheating somehow. It had to be fate. ドクターイエローを見ったら夢はすべて叶うです。Yesterday, a handsome magician took me by the hand and made it happen. It finally happened. And still, it felt like fate.
My dreams have come true. The journey is over and now I am here. What happens next?